From A to Bee Read online

  He bid me farewell and off he went, hobbling across his field (unploughed for 125 years apparently), man's best friend at his side. He had a hip replacement only six weeks ago. Hard as nails is Farmer Ray.

  What a lovely man. He has allowed me to grow an allotment on his land and now he is allowing me to have some beehives. I felt elated and realised I must be on his good side.

  MARCH 18

  Last night as I was driving home from work, Jo called. 'DHL must have arrived while we were out and delivered a package for you. It's so big and heavy I have just left it outside.'

  My heart did actually, believe it or not, skip a little. So my hive had arrived. It was too late to do anything about it as it was pitch black outside, but another day was not going to hurt. I did pop outside later on, though, to see a giant black shadow of a box. It was far bigger than I had expected and I went back inside very excited indeed.

  I got up early this morning to attend to the small jobs in the garden that I don't want to be doing at the weekend. I walked around to where DHL had hidden the package. Rather embarrassingly, they had left it behind last year's Christmas tree that I had been meaning to burn for months now! Though my feelings from last night were confirmed about its size, it was considerably lighter than I had expected.

  There were in fact two boxes and so I took them around to the front of the house and started to open them excitedly. I felt a slight pang of nostalgia as it was a feeling akin to when Father Christmas used to deliver my presents on Christmas Day.

  So I started to open it up and laughed, as this beautiful hive had been protected by bits of recycled cardboard evidently from children's toys. The first piece I pulled out was from 'The Little Princess' and the second was 'Pots and Pans'. This only added to the sense of Christmas nostalgia knowing that, due to timing, these were probably from Christmas presents given to the hive-maker's children. It was also further evidence that this was bought from a small business as it had all the touches of someone actually hand-making it. I loved the fact that the nails provided with the hive were in a recycled envelope with 'Nails' scrawled across the front. How wonderful and non-corporate.

  I took the gabled roof out of the box and it looked lovely. I could have gone for the flat roof but felt I needed to upgrade to this sloping roof, akin to one you'd see on a house, for my first purchase. Basically it makes it look more traditional and I am so pleased I decided to go with this little bit of vanity as it really finishes it off.

  There were so many pieces and yet no instructions. How on this earth was I, the person who was literally thrown out of woodworking class, going to put this together?! Having given up on the idea of building a hive from scratch, perhaps my pride had got the better of me when ordering. As with all hives, I had the option of either flat packed or assembled. The latter was about 10 per cent dearer so I opted for the former.

  Regardless of the lack of instructions, I shall have a go this weekend with the said nails and glue for added reassurance and try not to make too much of a hash of things. Let's see how it goes!

  MARCH 20

  It has been a truly glorious morning and I got up early to review the task at hand. I felt ready to go but not before Jo and Sebastian got up and breakfast was completed, carnage as always with food splattered everywhere. Sebastian is getting to grips with eating on his own now, which is always an experience to watch. Now peace reigns once more as Jo has taken Sebastian out for a walk. It's a perfect time to get building.

  As I was opening the package on the kitchen table again to get to grips with it, I was feeling quite excited and something that had not struck me previously was the smell of the wood. It was as if it had just been cut – a really delightful smell. I counted twenty-six separate segments of wood as I took them out of the box, all of which looked pretty similar. The only bit of woodwork I have ever done in my short life was building a bench similar to those you would see in any park around the world. You know, the ones you steer clear of because they are either inhabited by the local sleeping tramp or by slightly strange people sitting down on them, knees firmly together, balancing a clear plastic lunchbox while they bite down into a triangular sandwich with the crusts cut off. My bench wasn't exactly the greatest success as I measured up a little bit wrong and couldn't really work out how to drill holes properly. No tramp would have ever gone near it. I was therefore a little bit tentative about fitting together these twenty-six random bits of wood.

  I really could have done with some instructions. Seeing there were so many different sections I felt I should have a dry run with no nails or glue and just put similar-sized parts together. With the aid merely of a picture of a National hive, it would be interesting to see what I could build.

  I made a tentative start and felt my use of the set square was particularly good, having watched a YouTube clip on how to make sure you attain perfect symmetry. (I can't believe I've admitted watching a video of this nature!) In a surprisingly short space of time I had built the brood box, which is where the main nest of bees remains and the queen lays her eggs. I was feeling pretty pleased and the result wasn't bad. Who needs instructions? The two supers quickly followed suit and as a result, in front of me sat my first beehive – though if I even blew on it lightly, it would have all collapsed in a giant pile, and so next week I shall attempt the real build complete with nails and glue. I felt really chuffed and finished just in time for Jo and Sebastian to walk through the back door.

  No word of a lie, Sebastian took one look at me, then looked at the hive, shook his head and promptly walked into the dining room. Jo followed, laughing, though I am pretty sure it was at Sebastian's reaction rather than the hive. Once we all had lunch and Sebastian had his midday nap we left for a short walk to the farm shop at the end of the road. Jo and I sat in glorious sunshine enjoying a cream tea, something you have to do when the sun is shining in the UK. We were enjoying watching Sebastian trying to run after the older children who were just that little bit more adept at running. Every five steps or so he would fall back onto his bottom followed by a great bout of laughter which would occasionally turn into belly laughs as he realised that the other children were laughing as well. It was glorious sitting out in the sunshine as we very rarely get the opportunity to do this sort of thing due to our busy schedules. However, with spring evident all around us with lambs jumping around in the grass and the daffodils and early tulips in their full glory it was sheer bliss.

  I am feeling a very lucky man today as I also have to put in here another exciting event that happened today. Jo and I found out that we will be expecting baby number two in December. We have always planned to have two children but this really tops off a great day. I find it hard enough to comprehend being a father of one some days, but here I am considering being a father of two pretty soon. Well, rather more than considering, at this point. Can't quite believe it – but how lucky we are to have this opportunity once more.

  MARCH 25

  So, I went back to the original site where I bought the hive to look at the right glue to use, not to mention paint which I hear also has to be a certain kind, and there in front of me were the instructions telling you how to build it – not only instructions but also diagrams. It became perfectly clear I hadn't followed them and that was perhaps why my hive and theirs looked so different. I now realise my 'dry run' was a complete disaster.

  As you may have fathomed by now, I am of the male variety. Yes, that's right, the type that would be happier to carry on driving into the wilderness rather than wind down the window and ask the man with the map standing by the side of the road for directions. To add to this I never, ever read instructions. As far as I am concerned the TV makes itself work with or without instructions. Therefore why should I waste valuable time reading a manual several inches thick when I could be enjoying my new purchase?

  Despite seeing the dry run as a challenge tantamount to a complex jigsaw puzzle, I could see quite clearly from the photos that I had made a few fundamental errors – not le
ast I had built the entire stand the wrong way round and the very important hand holds upside down.

  I am going to review these instructions carefully before starting the real build so as not to make the same mistakes again. My corporate world is taking me away this weekend and so that is out of the question, the Easter weekend is looking most likely now.

  Thank God I didn't just build it blindly like I would normally do. What would the bees have thought? What would my son have thought?

  Note to self: I must buy my bee jacket and smoker. I can't imagine getting the bees and not being able to transfer them to this newly built hive. What on earth will I go for? Even just looking at bee jackets there seems to be a lot of different colours and makes to choose from so I better start doing some research.

  MARCH 29

  Feeling quite exhausted today due to a hectic three-day schedule at an exhibition in London for my corporate life. I had forgotten how tiring it is to stand up continually for twelve hours and just talk to people. To add to the intensity I was asked to be on a panel as an 'expert speaker'. How that happened I do not know! It was quite fun, however, and a good experience.

  It was only on the Friday morning that I realised it was being held at Earls Court – such is my way of dealing with things very late in the day. When I got there I realised it was the Ideal Home Show at the same time. Being an exhibitor in another show hall meant I could gain free access to it. I knew that one of my Twitter bee contacts was there working on the Omlet stand, makers of the Beehaus. Having had quite a lot of correspondence it would be nice to say hi and a perfect opportunity to see the hive itself before possibly ordering one.

  When I got the chance to pop in on Saturday evening, I have to say I was quite impressed. The description of it being a brightly coloured freezer box was spot on; the one in the show was almost fluorescent in colour. It did look better in reality, though, which was a relief. Another bonus seemed to be its ease of construction, and as there was no wood in sight there was no woodwork needed. Perfect! The Beehaus looked ideal for my second hive for comparison's sake, and I couldn't wait to order one.

  A comedian recently commented that he knew he was getting old as he had actually met all of his friends. I know exactly what he meant now that I have all these online 'friends'. Saturday was the first day I physically met one of them and fortunately Quinn was as nice in person as he was on Twitter. It's always difficult to know what they are really like in little snapshot sentences of 140 characters but Quinn seemed a lovely guy and as camp as a row of pink tents, which only added to his charm. An asset to his company certainly, he further convinced me to purchase a Beehaus at some point but I simply cannot justify the price tag at the moment. Starting up beekeeping isn't exactly cheap and this is just one purchase too much for now.

  APRIL 1

  On reflection, I wish that I had sat back at the start of this year and made myself a list. After all, I am a bit of a list man. Literally every day I write lists for almost everything that I do. Unless I can tick things off throughout the day I am a little bit lost and that is pretty much where I am now. I seem to be obtaining equipment a little bit randomly and as and when I think about it.

  Today I decided I had to buy a bee suit, and so did a great Internet search. It seems there are lots of options out there. I did a detailed search, looking at the colours, quality and price. I have to be honest, usually I will try to get away with the cheapest option but I wasn't that keen to go for the bargain basement option here. The last thing I wanted was to wear out a bee suit quickly and discover a hole mid-inspection which the bees would have discovered moments before.

  Instead I went to the company that most people seemed to accept as the best suit company out there, B. J. Sherriff, and ordered my suit. Apart from the fact that most of my association wear their suits, I think it was more the fact that they have this great big 'Sherriff' badge as their logo on the breast of the suit so it reminds me of playing Cowboys and Indians as a child. I never got to be the sheriff as a boy and was constantly shot at by my mates and had my bows and arrows broken in two. Now was my chance!

  As a result of the suit purchase, I also ordered a variety of other items, which included a rather large and shiny looking smoker and something called a hive tool, which I knew to be important.

  Looking forward to when they arrive, if only to try on the bee suit.

  APRIL 4

  The package arrives.

  Today I am feeling another step closer to my one pot of honey as my bee suit, smoker and other fancy, highly technological equipment arrived. Since we live in the middle of nowhere, our post usually arrives about a year behind everyone else's and so I was quite surprised it arrived so quickly. Though I had ordered an extra-large bee suit, large smoker and hive tool and was expecting a huge parcel I was amazed to see that it was in fact tiny; little more than Easter egg-sized, apt for the time of year but far more exciting!

  I opened the box with anticipation, with Jo in tow wanting to see what on earth I was going to look like.

  When I opened the parcel the first item that caught my eye was a fantastic shiny smoker. When I say shiny I mean mirror shiny. The extent of the shine brought back memories of my years as a mountain climber at university. Back then, shiny equipment was looked down upon. We would get to the mountain with all of our climbing gear wrapped around our waist and I remember the day that I had just bought my own gear and headed up to the base of the mountain with pride. I felt like a cowboy who walks into the wrong bar and the music stops, like I had just said something really inappropriate in the lull of conversation. Everyone was looking at me and I could see them looking at each other and I am sure I saw one whispering to the other, 'Oh look, here's a novice'; and they would all stop climbing and watch me attempt a climb. I remember so well the urge to get out each individual bit of kit and scratch it so no one would know next time. Every time I get something shiny I think of that moment and it always makes me smile.

  Now I imagined reaching the apiary, and as others saw the sparkle of my new smoker they would gather round as I tried to light it, ramping up the pressure until the puffs of smoke came regularly, white and even – which is always a joyful moment, apparently.

  Continuing through the package, next out was the 'hive tool', which is used to help you get out each frame when you are checking the bees. I have heard others refer to it as the 'beekeeper's friend' as you can't really do anything without it. I unravelled the tissue paper it was wrapped in and then all of the bubble wrap and out popped the brightest bit of kit I have ever seen in my life. It was bright orange and not only that, it was shiny as well. It is undoubtedly the brightest thing that I have ever owned. My thoughts, however, were then taken to a very different place when Jo mentioned what a lovely ice pick it would make. I am not sure if it is just me but a female voice uttering the words 'wonderful ice pick' transports me back to the film Fatal Attraction and instant nightmares. I quietly hid the hive tool in my jacket and moved quickly on.

  Finally the moment of truth: the bee suit. I had opted for something quite untraditional. Firstly I had gone for a jacket style rather than full body, and secondly I had opted for a khaki colour rather than white. I had settled for a jacket as when I tried one on it was very comfortable, and after all it is all about what you feel comfortable in. I remembered people saying that full suits could get hot in summer and the thought of wearing a rather fetching boiler suit in the height of summer didn't really appeal, so I thought this might be better for me. The colour was a more personal choice but hearing the theory behind it was quite interesting. Apparently some years ago the founder of the B. J. Sherriff Company went to New Zealand to observe beekeeping there. They would do a lot of their beekeeping at night time and often found that white bee suits made themselves very obvious to the bees. Wearing khaki toned down the brightness and made it easier for the beekeepers to work. So not only was it a nice colour it also meant it would be easier for me to keep bees in the dark. It seemed the perfect comb
ination in my eyes.

  As I pulled it out, Jo peering over my shoulder, I was having second thoughts. Would the colour be OK? Did I pick the right size? Would Jo divorce me seeing what I was about to start wearing most weekends?

  Staring at it through the cellophane packet it came in, it actually looked great and Jo immediately agreed but stated she would have preferred it in white because she's a traditionalist. It did look slightly too big but then I did order XXL. I think I was overcompensating for my medium episode earlier in the year and afraid that I might again feel the little feet of a bee on the small of my back. Not again, thank you very much.

  I tried it on and looked in the mirror and felt pleased I had gone for the jacket style. Jo even tried it on as well though it looked more like a tent. Wearing this I don't think I could ever look like a traditional beekeeper; a fact I quite like to be honest.

  All in all, it was a big moment and I feel one step closer to that one pot of honey – though I am starting to slightly panic about building the hive as I am putting it off every day. I keep on finding a new excuse. Let's make that an aim for this week!